Sunday, 18 February 2018


For 2yrs after her marriage came to an abrupt end, communicating with her ex was akin to pulling out a set of teeth with a chisel and hammer  . EXTREMELY PAINFUL

A Brother simply couldn’t come to terms with the fact that their marriage was over and the fact that She ( being the woman) initiated the termination clause didn’t help matters as it made him feel somewhat emasculated.

There was no tool of public humiliation and character assassination that he didn’t employ and deploy in those 2yrs. (You think you have seen the worst of your spouse until you choose to leave them). A lot of people do not handle rejection very well and She understood why - NO ONE LIKES TO BE “ THE LEFT”.

Nonetheless, they had to communicate somehow because of the kids, and every single attempt ended up in piles and piles of vitriol.

This moment it’s Murder and Suicide threats and the next pleas of “I love you and why would you do this to me “ escapes his lips.

An emotional roller coaster it was, to be honest. She had made efforts in preparation for this eventuality, by reading up on the traumatic effects of Separation/Divorce and the emotional intelligence that should follow.

But Nothing, I mean Absolutely Nothing prepared her for the real deal. When the die is cast, it could very well be the bumpiest ride of your life.

It took about 2 1/2 years and a truckload of patience and forgiveness, before they could carry on a civil conversation void of attacks and hate speech.

She had always said to him that they could make a clean slice of their Marital roles and Parenting roles. Just because Marriage didn’t work didn’t mean parenting shouldn’t.

They could totally drop the titles of Husband & Wife and perfectly Slay in their titles of Mother and Father.

They owed it to their kids to give them the softest landing possible in the circumstances and this desperately was hinged on the existence of a civil relationship between them.

As much as it broke her heart to see the kids suffer  due to their inability to communicate within that period , She understood that her decision to end things was an informed one and so there was no going back.

He took his time, but they finally made it. They were able to talk on the phone, no fights, no curses. Chats, messages and even visits though on a need to have basis became so much easier.

In tune with their new found “friendship” he asked to come into town to see her sometime and she obliged him.

It was a week day and so she got dressed and set for work but chose to stop at his hotel first that morning. She was inquisitive to know what he wanted to talk about and suspense has never been her strong suit.

Behold, almost 3yrs down the line after a 7 yr marriage and after heaps of fights and vitriol spewed all over the place amongst themselves , friends and family, the topic yet again was how they could get back together.

He went on his knees and held on to her waist as she sat on his Hotel room bed and began his narrative pleas, suggestions and promises.

She was weak. She really thought they were passed this, but clearly She thought wrong. This time she decided (for a change)to pay rapt and objective attention to all of his reasons why they should attempt a welcome back to a dead marriage. And all she heard coming through were sentiments, more sentiments and cheap sentiments.

If she hadn’t learnt anything in the 7yrs of their marriage and the length of time they were apart, She definitely learnt that sentiments does not a good relationship make.

She waited till he was done with his speech and then put just one pertinent question across to him.

She said; We were married for years and we had so many unresolvable issues and painful memories, Why in God’s name would you want to go back to that torture ?
And his response which forms the Crux of this post completely blew her away.

He said to her (quoting verbatim) : “Those years you refer to were my best years yet. I was truly happy and I have spent every single moment we’ve been apart regretting being apart. Don’t you feel it too?”

In this moment, She felt she owed it to him to respond honestly and she did saying - “The years we were married were my worst years yet. I cried myself to sleep a lot, was heavily depressed and my health deteriorated speedily. Every single moment we have been apart I have spent thanking God that I made it out.”

If she had ever seen the poster look for devastation it was printed on his face instantly.

She felt so sad that her truth hurt him so bad, but it could not be helped.

Clearly they could not have been in the same marriage because their realities were worlds apart.

2 people
Same Marriage
But 2 absolutely different realities
It was shocking!!

It was testament to the fact that he had built the joy of his existence on the back of her misery.

But those days were gone.

Those days when she was told that “He is Happy” meant “They were Happy”.

Those days when she perpetually sacrificed her own happiness for his, to the extent that she completely lost sight of the basis of her own happiness or the right to it all together.

She had learnt to stand in the truth of her own Reality. No more denials, No more sugar coating and No more Faux smiles.

Even the saying “Happy Wife - Happy Life” had begun to irk her anytime she heard it, because she had experienced that saying in the reverse and she knew first hand that another person’s happiness was never a determinant/guarantee of  yours.

Gently but Firmly, she turned down his request. Without a doubt, she knew, that if he couldn’t stay married to the woman that she was then, the woman that she had become now was totally beyond his reach.

All that could be said had been said at this point, and all that was left was for her to gently take his hands off her waist, rise and leave his hotel.

That she did gracefully, and as she shut the door the silence that ensued was deafening.


Moral Lesson:
1) Appreciate the value of what you have when you have it.

2) Always acknowledge your own Reality else you loose yourself in the process of basking in another’s.

What is your Reality in that relationship?
Do you know?

Or are you too scared to LIFT THE VEIL of Denial and stand in your truth?

It really isn’t safe to hide behind the veil of another’s reality. You run the risk of Self Annihilation.

He wants it, but do you want it?
She likes it, but do you like it?
It’s right for him, But Is it right for you?
She wants you, But do you want her?

I don’t know about you, but one thing I’m sure I want to be when I grow up is “Happy”.

Esiri Ukueku-Uduaghan
Feb, 2018